Exercise

A cure for desk work

Kat

— 2 min read
Two spiky balls, black and yellow.
o great spiky ball, rain your blessings upon me

Before I waste a moment of your time let me just say: I can't help with the whole existential crisis part of desk work, the forever-creeping ennui, the black hole of anti-mojo. You're on your own with that.

This is about the other aches, the physical ones. It turns out that sitting on your arse is bad for you.

Wait!—don't go—fear not!—I have not decided to pivot my blog to boring middle-aged whining. I am simply going to share a story of joy and triumph and then some information that may be useful; to you, or to me if I ever forget this or lose my notes.

One side of my hip has been a bit fucked for a while. In hindsight I think my glutes gave up and stopped trying a while ago. Then things got worse nearly two years ago when I slipped on a wet bluestone footpath (an experience many Melburnians will identify with). I put up with the pain for at least a year and had given up on jogging.

Eventually, I saw a physiotherapist who gave me a program. I followed it for maybe three months before I noticed a change: I did not have ambient hip pain anymore. YAY. I only felt pain after going for a run (even a very short warm-up run), but as of this weekend I am beginning to suspect that this problem is on its way to being fixed too. DOUBLE YAY.

This is the program. My beefcake recipe, if you like. The consult with the physio was online so I'm going to hazard a guess that it is not especially tailored to me.

The cure

  • Do two or three sessions per week. You're probably going to need a gym membership to have access to all of the things.
  • Instructions for the exercises are easily found on YouTube—somewhat surprisingly, the fitness industry seems to use terminology consistently.
  • Start with weights (or for planks, durations) that allow you to focus on good form. Gradually increase weights, reps and/or plank durations.
  • Warm up for five minutes before each session.

Session 1

  • Incline dumbbell chest press (3 x 10 reps)
  • One-arm dumbbell row (3 x 10 reps)
  • Standing dumbbell overhead press (3 x 10 reps)
  • Cable/band pallof press (3 x 12 reps/side)
  • Dead bug (3 x 10 reps/side)

Session 2

  • Goblet squat (3 x 12 reps)
  • Step-up (with dumbbells) (3 x 8 reps/side)
  • Romanian deadlift (3 x 12 reps) (I use a barbell instead of dumbbells)
  • Side-lying clamshell (with resistance band) (3 x 15 reps/side)
  • Glute bridge march (3 x 20 marches)

Session 3

  • Flat dumbbell chest press (3 x 10 reps)
  • Seated cable row (3 x 12 reps)
  • Standing dumbbell lateral raise (3 x 15 reps)
  • Cable wood chop (3 x 10 reps/side)
  • Forearm plank (3)

Session 4

  • Split squat (with dumbbells) (3 x 8 reps/side)
  • Kettlebell deadlift (3 x 10 reps)
  • Bulgarian split squat (3 x 8 reps/side)
  • Standing band hip abduction (3 x 15 reps)
  • Side plank (3/side)

This is important: after each session, get a floor mat and a foam roller and spend a good amount of time rolling everything - your back, glutes, hips, hamstrings, quads, calves. I found that rolling my quads was excruciating, which was super helpful because I realised that them being so tight was a big cause of my problems.

I'm still doing all of this, although now I feel ready to rejig things. My hope is that I can slowly start mixing in some regular running.

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